How to be AMAZING

Now. You may find yourself wondering at this point ( or possibly the point just before clicking the link to arrive at this page) WHY would I wish to become amazing when I am already pretty alright? This is a very valid question and once you realise that I actually lied just now and I think it was in fact, a ludicrious question because everyone can aspire to be amazing unless you have already reached living legend status (like Cliff Richard)
What you should then be beginning to wonder ( quite possibly out loud) is…why would I choose to take advice about becoming amazing from someone who for all I know may quite clearly lack certain essential criterias for the job? This is also a very valid question and once you realise that I lied yet again and in actual fact think you might be a little bit drunk for even asking it at all in the first place, you will understand that this makes no sense. Which i think….is part of my allure. 🙂

Good? I’m glad we got that sorted out. Now. Onto the actual meat of the sandwich
(figurative….cos vegans don’t eat meat….obv)

So. You may or may not be aware of this, but there are rules to being amazing. They are pretty straight forward, but require a little commitment. Not everyone can be amazing you know…

Rule Number 1. DON’T WASTE TIME

First and foremost. TIME. There are 24 hours in any given day. Allowing for sleep (av 8 hrs) food (av 20 mins per meal so 1 hr) inbetweens like cooking, bathroom ablutions, showering, travelling etc (2.5 hours) work (av 6 hrs of actual work) and WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY? on TV (av 8 hrs….LOLs I jest) there are a mere 6 or 7 hours of actual consciousness available to you. Now why the Sweet Blue Patutti would you waste this time being bored?!

Rule Number 2. IF IT CAN BE USED…THEN USE IT

Wool scraps. Packing peanuts. Carrier bags. Old clothing. Broken pottery, Garden wire, etc etc. DO IT. If its big and unwanted but can be broken down….. ALSO Use it.
You should be asking yourself plenty of sensible questions such as “can this be artfully ripped apart?” or “are there any pretty extractables such as knuts, bolts, buttons, keys, microchips etc that I can obtain here?” or “would this perhaps look prettier broken up and rearranged into a more asthetic fashion with bathroom grout or glitter glue?” …Things are always better after Glitter Glue.

Rule Number 3. WHEN LOOKING IN THE MIRROR…JUST ROLL WITH WHAT YOU SEE

80% of the worlds time is spent worrying about what you look like when in reality…crimes against humanity, society and statistical accuracy are being committed left right and centre. (true story)
Crimes against fashion pale in comparison…. get over it and get on with it.

Rule number 4. HAVE A PLAN

Brain had a plan. Pinky knew it. Bodderick had a plan. It was cunning. Even wiley coyote had a plan which usually entertained the masses.
Don’t have a plan? Get one. Life goals, year resolutions, weekly to do’s, even spontaneous convictions are better than Lamely drifting along, occasionally checking facebook and hoping something will happen to you. Please avoid being a dull and boring, lifeless shell of a human being and show a little direction. Preferably to the bookshelf….

And finally Rule Number 5. EAT VEGAN.

You know. Cos it’s Boss.

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